If you find yourself thinking, "I'm still in love with my ex” after 2, 5, or even 10 years, you might be wondering how long it takes to get over a breakup? And you might be considering whether or not you should get back with your ex.
If you have recently ended a relationship, it makes sense that you're missing your ex. And if it's been a while, you could be getting impatient if you're still having feelings for your ex.
You want to feel normal again, to stop suffering over an ex and relationship that’s long gone.
If you didn’t want things to end and you are still longing for your ex, it can be a real struggle to move on. This article will give you five important questions you should be asking yourself if you are still in love with your ex after years.
The questions themselves have the ability to help you resolve some of the issues you may be experiencing. When you can see these issues for what they are, you can let them go.
1. Are you afraid of being alone?
A 2015 study revealed that if you have a strong fear of being alone then you’re more likely to have a strong attachment to your ex-partners.
According to the study, fear of being alone is the biggest predictor of having a strong attachment to one’s ex-partner. So if you have a strong fear of being alone, that's a probably a big reason why you can't get over your ex.
The researchers discovered that the fear of being alone is a greater predictor of still being in love with one’s ex than the features of the breakup, such as who initiated the breakup, and passage of time since the breakup.
So it might be your own fear of being alone that needs to be addressed here. I used to have a terrible fear of being alone. I felt like if I was alone, then I wasn’t good enough.
This made it hard for me to get over breakups. But it also led to a lot of other bad decisions like hanging out with the wrong people just because they were available.
As I began to let go of things like fear of being alone, I began to enjoy my own company. And it comes as no surprise that is when you enjoy yourself, other people enjoy being around you as well.
So look into your own life and see if you have any fear of being alone. And if you notice any of that fear, make the conscious decision to let it go.
Want more help letting go? That’s what The Breakup Healing System is all about!
To help you get started, I'm offering free mini course that shows you the basics of letting go of ANY uncomfortable feeling such as fear, anger, or grief.
2. Are you wanting approval or love from your ex?
One of the strongest feelings that we feel as part of a “still in love with ex” problem is wanting love or approval from your ex. If you’re still in love with your ex, you want nothing more than for them to wrap their arms around you in a warm loving embrace.
In reality, this is not happening anytime soon, if ever. But you still want love and approval from your ex. Maybe you want physical affection or emotional encouragement.
We want love and approval expressed by others in different ways.
One of the reasons why your breakup hurts is because you want love and approval from your ex and you're not getting it. And it hurts to want something that you can’t have.
But there is a simple solution to your pain. Just simply let go of wanting love and approval from your ex or your past relationship.
The Breakup Healing System is all about letting go. And letting go is a natural ability that we all have.
The Breakup Healing System Home Study Course goes into great depth on letting go and offers several different techniques to help you access and strengthen your ability to let go.
But letting go really boils down to just one thing: a decision. And one of the fastest ways to deal with the problem of still being in love with your ex after years is to let go of wanting their love and approval.
And you may want to give approval and love to your ex. If you notice any of that, let go of wanting to give them love and approval as well.
Just notice when you are engaging in the pattern of wanting love and approval, both wanting to give and receive, and decide to stop engaging in the pattern.
Now you might protest and say “if I don’t want love, then how do I get love?”
To that I would reply that you already have all the love you could ever need or want in this very moment. When I let go of things like fear and wanting love it revealed to me the unconditional love that is within all of us in every moment.
Once you feel this love for yourself, you will never seek love from outside of yourself ever again. The experiences of unconditional love and even divine ecstasy that resulted from the process of surrender are the happiest and most satisfying experience of my entire life.
And in my day to day life I still feel unconditional love and complete peace.
And all of this is possible for you just from the simple process of letting go of things like wanting love.
And in a free video at the end of this article, we’ll even do some letting go of wanting approval and love to help you get started.
3. Are you wanting to change or control the relationship?
One thing that can keep us hung up in the past, is wanting to change the past. Often after a relationship ends, you may be left with some regrets or wanting to change what happened.
Maybe you feel like you should have said something or should not have done that one thing. Perhaps you wish your partner hadn’t cheated or “fell out of love” with you.
There are so many ways we can want to change or control the past.
And then we also want to change or control the present and future. Maybe you want to change how your ex feels about you now. Maybe you want to change how you feel now. And you also want to protect yourself from getting hurt again in the future.
And most of the things you want to change or control about your breakup you have no power over whatsoever.
You can’t change what happened in the past. You have no control over what your ex feels, thinks, or acts. And you probably don’t even have much control over your own thoughts and feelings!
And wanting something that you can’t have or can’t get is what really frustrates us and makes us feel bad. When you are wanting control, you are experiencing a feeling of powerlessness. And this keeps you in a dis-empowered state, stuck in the past unable to move forward.
So the way to free yourself from this is to let go of wanting to change or control. Start with the things you have absolutely no control over. Let go of wanting to change the past.
Whenever you catch yourself wanting to control or wanting to change something that you have no control over, recognize this thought pattern and make the decision to disengage from it.
That’s really all there is to letting go. However, my mission is to show people how to deepen and strengthen their ability to let go. So I’ve made a free 4 part video course that teaches the basics for free.
4. Is your relationship perspective distorted?
One of the reasons why you might still be in love with your ex after years is because your relationship perspective is distorted. When you are grieving, you tend to only see the good parts of your past relationship while ignoring the bad parts. In clinical psychology terms, this tendency is “splitting.”
Also called “black-and-white thinking” or “all-or-nothing thinking”, when you’re splitting, you get lost in your fantasies and emotions. And these emotions and fantasies end up controlling your behavior
Splitting causes you to lose perspective on your relationship and keeps you in either anger or sorrow. The only way to get over a girl or a guy is to assess your relationship for what it really was.
It’s normal to lose perspective after a relationship ends. However, a relationship can’t be truly grieved and released until you can see it from a more neutral perspective.
Chapter 5 of The Breakup Healing System is all about taking inventory of your relationship and letting go of the emotions and fantasy so you can see your past relationship from that place of neutrality or equanimity.
There are 9 different exercises in Chapter 5 of The Breakup Healing System designed to help you free your mind and emotions from your past relationship.
5. Are you trauma bonded with your ex?
Another reason you may still think you are in love with your ex is that you are trauma bonded with that person. A common question that people often ask themselves after a breakup is “Why can’t I get over my ex who treated me badly?”
When someone develops feelings for an abuser, it's called trauma bonding. A trauma bond is a connection that forms between an abusive person and the person they abuse.
The victim of abuse develops sympathy or affection for the abuser. If your ex was abusive, this may be the reason why you still feel in love with your ex.
Breaking a trauma bond can be challenging and may take time, but it is possible. You may want to seek out therapists who specialize in treating people with trauma bonds.
I’ve tried a lot of self-help and letting go is the only thing that made a rapid, positive change in my life. It’s such an easy thing to do and can have such a powerful impact on your life in so many ways.
Why not check it out for free by enrolling in Free Breakup Healing System Mini Course?